Tomorrow-1 yr.

I can't believe that it has been 1 year! My heart feels like there are a ton of bricks just laying on my chest. I was sitting in class today and felt that exact same feeling come over me the day he died. It would have been the moment they pulled him off of life support. We knew from that point that he was never coming back to us. False hope was always there before then but that; THAT made it real. My (our) life has not been the same without him. The saying 1 step forward, 2 steps back, well that is me. I have talks with him and make life decisions about moving on and then for some reason things happen and instead of moving forward without him I go 2 steps back and just want to crawl in the hole with him. If I hear time will heal all pain 1 MORE TIME I might have to put myself out of my mysery and choke the living daylights out of them.
So, here we are, alone , sad and miserable because I don't have the 1 person I want to be with. Praying to God to take me and bringing him back doesn't work so we'll have to take what he gives me.
For the most part I think the girls are doing well so lets pray that is correct and I will continue to pray for another speedy year. This way 1 more year under our belt and maybe then it won't hurt so bad.
Sincerely,
Shannon

Father's Day

Tomorrow everyone will celebrate father's day. A day that I have thought of so many days ahead and wondered how the girls were going to deal without having their dad. Surprisingly Stephanie wants to get something and put out at his spot. I say that because up until now she didn't want to talk about him at all. Amanda is suppose to work but was just told she changed her plans because she wants to do something. Then there's Jess who said she wants to pretend it's not a holiday at all. My heart breaks for them. I have hurt so much and miss him so much for my own reasons but days like these along, with missing graduations, future marriages, births and etc. are going to be so hard on them. I hope they know even though he is not here with them he is in spirit. He is standing right beside them what ever they do and smiling that smile he had. The tilt of the head and a crooked smile because he didn't like to show his teeth. Oh how I miss him. My heart, my soul he was my love. I wish for the girls to remember on this father's day all the memories they had with through their life. They can hold onto those and know in time Father's day is still a positive thing because after all; without him we would not have had them.

Memorial Day

The days have been filled with an empty heart knowing that he is gone. Now the time has come that we give thanks for those who served our country or those that we have loss. Today is just a memory , 1 more day that is a reminder that he is gone and is not coming back. There are days when I stare out the window and hear his voice calling out my name "Shannon Frances" because I have done something that tickled him or I'm in trouble or I picture him coming down the road from his long trip away from home. Wishing it was some job that has taken him away from us for months at a time. How I wish that was really the case.
Knowing that this is not the case brings me back to reality and an empty heart again. THEN I remember if it wasn't for his heart and his love that we would not have 3 beautiful girls to continue to keep me on my toes. Each one has so many of his personality that at times I just shake me head because it would be the same thing he would have done or said.
So, on Memorial Day this year I thanked the Soldiers, I missed my departed and I thanked God for giving life of 3 children that are so much like their father.
The saying time heals the pain I still don't find true I just find it fades it to the back ground.

ONCE UPON A MEMORY

Once upon a memory fades through my mind as I tossed and turned through a sleepness night. Once again sleep did escape me but how can I sleep when I know what todays date represents. I have known and have felt the heart pulling for weeks knowing the time was coming to this; the day we found out that he was Critically Ill. The words that was so much easier for him to say because he really believed "We were just playing a dirty trick" on him. What a dirty trick that would be! Trying to remember that week so long ago but it was such a world wind in what steps to take and everyone had their opinions on what should be done. In the end God had the final decision just like the beginning of his life; it's always up to God.

How blessed we were to know him, to love him and to be part his life time. He was as big of a knucklehead as he was a wonderful person but we had to witness one to get the other and I would love the chance to have any or all of him back.

I am trying to live day by day and remember what is important every day because after what we went through with him I don't want one minute to be missed.

6 months

Another month has passed and I can't believe once again that as of today he has been gone for 6 months. The pain has not decreased any but the anger has subsided somewhat. Anger for him leaving me , anger at myself for not saying everything I wanted to him. He didn't want to talk about anything it was for him knowing that our life was coming to an end and he didn't want to face it. Towards the end I honestly don't know how much he understood but I should have said it but he would get too upset anytime I started to talk about "what if's" and "when" certain things take place.
I still yell at him when things take place like this week Steph's car broke down, the furnace was out for 4 days and other things that I'm just mad because he's not here to help me out. If nothing else just to be my sounding board. We had a great relationship just for that, we might not have liked the other one said but we knew we could vent to the other one and 5 minutes later everything would be like nothing happened.
This time has been fast forward and I prayed for that because in the beginning the pain was so unbearable I just wanted to do something drastic because I missed him so much. I knew I couldn't because I have 3 beautiful girls that needed me even when they think they don't.
Not a day passes by that I don't think about him, see his goofy smile when he's trying to be a dork or the last and most precious time we had together. Right now I'm having a lot of sad memories because come Feb. 15th is the 1st day he finally admitted that something was wrong and March 10th is when the Dr. called and gave us the news. 1 yr. WOW... it has been a roller coaster ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Time is moving by fast but never fast enough when you are dealing with missing someone that you know is never coming back to you. I am trying to "move on" but I will always have him in my heart.