I CARRY YOUR HEART

It's been some time since I've written. Life has been crazy. Starting life over without Mick hasnt been easy. I went back to school and rec. my cosmetologist license so I can help those that can't get out including the caregivers . It also provides me an income to be my own boss and survive financially wo A second income. Since his death after struggling for a year to keep a house we raised our kids in I had no choice but to try to sell it. That didn't work so I had to give our house back after 16 yrs. living in what we made our home. It was devastating but in reality with big picture of things over Micks illness I truly learned these are just things. Material things that can be replaced... So I sold everything I could and moved. After 6 mos. I moved out of state away from my grown children . They had healed somewhat and moved on with their lives but I was stuck in the past.In this time I started dating again. Dating is not like it used to be. I actually learned to hate dating. Wished many days and nights if God could just send Mick back to me I would not gripe at him, except his annoying , aggravating things that drove me in sane Just soooo I could have him back. I always smiled after spraying this and said 'yeah' I know I would still gripe but it would be different iF you could just give him back to me.Well, it's almost 3 years since he's been gone!!!! Wow! I prayed from the beginning time would fly by and he helped me with that one. But, there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't creep thru my thoughts.After all here's the ironic thing of my last 3 years. For those who don't know when we buried Mick I read EE Cummings "I carry your heart" at the gravesite . So that's not the ironic part but this is... I started noticing random hearts among me in my food. Chips shaped like heart, pork chops. Bagel chip with heart center, Etc. I even accidentally splattered blackberry juice on my counter and it ended up being perfect shape of heart. I would get these just once in awhile and it would be "cool" and how weird.Why am I telling you this because it was always when I needed to feel close to him or something was t right, like telling me it will be ok.I decided to give up on dating because of the dirtbags that I met . I said if God wants someone in my life then he will let it happen in his time Not mine. ... Very soon after I closed that door and let God take over... He walked in my life...The reason I'm telling you this is because I had my doubts, trust , etc. because of past men in this crazy dating scene. However! Every time I would 2 nd guess who he really was A Heart would show up! I couldn't. Believe how fast it happened, but everything about him makes me live and smile again and then he asked me to move in with him... My loyalty to Mick was tested and confused so ... I had a talk with Mick when I was driving ... And asked him if he knew I will Always Love him. Then it happened! !!! His voice in my head said "Shannon I Carry Your Heart"! Wow! Epiphany took place! The day at the gravesite , the reading of the poem and every heart I have received . My sister believes Tracy was sent to me or picked by Mick for me. He's a wonderful person , a man like I haven't met in many years so I will believe that because it's the first time I have spoken the words of love to another man.So I said yes, and the next day my car broke down and had to be towed . Big deal , right... Yes it was the best worst day of the week. Yes, car was being towed but as we (driver) and myself are talking about what brought me here , he tells me about his dad who passed away a yr. prior and I proceeded to tell him about Mick. Now during this time we are taking car to new home with Tracy. I looked to my right and in the sky was this amazing giant puff heart formed in the clouds. The driver couldn't believe it!Teary eyes and smile from ear to ear I knew at that moment Mick was telling me life will be ok for me now and he approves.To this date I prob. Have 25 random heart pics. From the past 3 years but he cloud in the sky is one that was just breath taking! The moments that take your breath away! Even in his death he still did it. As silly and goofy as he was but I have questioned did he want me to move on and with Tracy I would continue to get signs telling me ... He is who I'm meant to be with..So, on that note. My life will moving on to a new chapter , new person in my life and as of August I will have my 1st grand baby. Mick would have spoiled him- her sooo much! But I'm sure that baby will know about their grandfather. Thats he nice thing about memories. Never materialistic just from the depths of your mind. Those memories kept me going and I will always treasure them!God bless, R.I.P.. Michael Patrick David Dill

Halloween

It's that time again. Been moody unsure why and then it hit me...rolling into the Holiday seasons. Sure there's other reasons but out of all the Holidays today; Halloween was Mick's favorite holiday. I would buy the candy , he would eat it then grumbling and growling I would make my way back to the store to purchase more candy for the trick or treaters. It became a tradition and I knew this would take place so I would start hiding the candy for the kids. He loved the candy and he ended up being great at passing out the candy. I think he enjoyed seeing the kids in costume more than I did.

So, here I sit and only thing I like about Halloween is the costumes, I hate passing out candy now because it wasn't my tradition and the routine is not there any longer. ;( Eventually maybe, just not now.

25TH Anniversary

July 3rd was our (would have been) 25th Anniversary. It's been a crazy weekend already because Pat is in the hospital. On the way to Church that morning I was doing good until I heard a new song from Ashley Perry "5 minutes". yes..the whole time I was listening to the words I thought this would be a song for the end of life and sure enough that's the way the song ended. Husband saying goodbye at bed side to his wife. Had me choked up. Composed myself as I met the in laws for Church and then once again "Be Not Afraid" was played and it all came rolling back. It's just those moments. I went to his grave and visited, talk and cryed and like usual I go away more at peace because I know he wants me to be happy and not sad. This day along with seeing a his favorite "Teddy bears" shirt that Steph gave him when he was sick was placed at his grave site: Worlds Best Dad... I didn't know she had placed that out there. All those days that he was sick you couldn't tear that teddy bear away and I still smile thinking about the time I grabbed the bear by his head and Mick told me not to be mean to his bear. ;) Soon 2 yr. Anniverrsary of him being gone will be here. Can't believe that it's been 2 yrs. I pray every day for God to make the days go fast and he's done a great job in doing so. Maybe one day I will find another reason for things to slow down again; but for now moving forward helps the pain of him being gone.

45th Birthday & Memorial Day

I haven't written in awhile. Anymore I write just to myself as a journal not knowing if anyone sees or really caring. There's many days I think of writing but decide not to trying to move on which I think I have done well but memories of him and missing him are always there. I always miss him more on special occassions, during times of LOL with going down memory lane and recently in this wonderful game of dating again. I have learned NO ONE has been like him. I'm not wanting another him but why isn't there men that know how to tell the truth and treat women like they should be. Call it old school if you will , I don't know but I think it's respect and he had that and alot more. Grant it he was a knuckle head about alot of things but the best man I've ever met.
His 45th birthday was Tuesday along with Jessica's 24th we are usually together, it really killed me that we weren't this year. It has become a normal thing for us to be a part now. Jess has her own life that she is now married and working full time and we just agreed to get together we she has time free. Although apart we both had same idea and recognized Mick that day. If he was here we would have had to have his favorite Red Velvet Cake... Jess got choice of place for dinner and he got the cake. ;) Now, here we are Memorial Day and still thinking and yearning for him. This week has been crazy of nothing but thinking of him.
No matter how my life moves on I will always think of him and will always love him we parted not by choice and maybe one day my heart will be at peace again.

Tomorrow-1 yr.

I can't believe that it has been 1 year! My heart feels like there are a ton of bricks just laying on my chest. I was sitting in class today and felt that exact same feeling come over me the day he died. It would have been the moment they pulled him off of life support. We knew from that point that he was never coming back to us. False hope was always there before then but that; THAT made it real. My (our) life has not been the same without him. The saying 1 step forward, 2 steps back, well that is me. I have talks with him and make life decisions about moving on and then for some reason things happen and instead of moving forward without him I go 2 steps back and just want to crawl in the hole with him. If I hear time will heal all pain 1 MORE TIME I might have to put myself out of my mysery and choke the living daylights out of them.
So, here we are, alone , sad and miserable because I don't have the 1 person I want to be with. Praying to God to take me and bringing him back doesn't work so we'll have to take what he gives me.
For the most part I think the girls are doing well so lets pray that is correct and I will continue to pray for another speedy year. This way 1 more year under our belt and maybe then it won't hurt so bad.
Sincerely,
Shannon

Father's Day

Tomorrow everyone will celebrate father's day. A day that I have thought of so many days ahead and wondered how the girls were going to deal without having their dad. Surprisingly Stephanie wants to get something and put out at his spot. I say that because up until now she didn't want to talk about him at all. Amanda is suppose to work but was just told she changed her plans because she wants to do something. Then there's Jess who said she wants to pretend it's not a holiday at all. My heart breaks for them. I have hurt so much and miss him so much for my own reasons but days like these along, with missing graduations, future marriages, births and etc. are going to be so hard on them. I hope they know even though he is not here with them he is in spirit. He is standing right beside them what ever they do and smiling that smile he had. The tilt of the head and a crooked smile because he didn't like to show his teeth. Oh how I miss him. My heart, my soul he was my love. I wish for the girls to remember on this father's day all the memories they had with through their life. They can hold onto those and know in time Father's day is still a positive thing because after all; without him we would not have had them.

Memorial Day

The days have been filled with an empty heart knowing that he is gone. Now the time has come that we give thanks for those who served our country or those that we have loss. Today is just a memory , 1 more day that is a reminder that he is gone and is not coming back. There are days when I stare out the window and hear his voice calling out my name "Shannon Frances" because I have done something that tickled him or I'm in trouble or I picture him coming down the road from his long trip away from home. Wishing it was some job that has taken him away from us for months at a time. How I wish that was really the case.
Knowing that this is not the case brings me back to reality and an empty heart again. THEN I remember if it wasn't for his heart and his love that we would not have 3 beautiful girls to continue to keep me on my toes. Each one has so many of his personality that at times I just shake me head because it would be the same thing he would have done or said.
So, on Memorial Day this year I thanked the Soldiers, I missed my departed and I thanked God for giving life of 3 children that are so much like their father.
The saying time heals the pain I still don't find true I just find it fades it to the back ground.