Roller Coaster

Mick has been on a roller coaster ride since last night. As you all know he spiked a fever last night and had trouble controlling all night. His blood pressure and his tempature has been going crazy since last night. If his temp. is not 102 it drops below 94.... Today they did an EEG to see if he has been having seizures because of some off the wall vitals. He had an episode right after they hooked him up. They said it is not seizures but they can not tell us what it is. His prem. bloodwork came back saying no growth for infection but they said the "true" results can take up to 5 days and they do not know why his tempature keeps rising and then falling. No answers just guessing games and at this point they are just telling us it is possible that it's just his brain not regulating vitals like it should be doing. Every time I see him in an episode it looks like he's in pain but again they just shake their heads at me and tell me "it's just reflexing"...I'm having a hard time believing these answers anymore. Tomorrow should be the day that is sched. for CT scan. It did not get done today so I'm assuming it will be tomorrow.It's becoming harder for me to accept these answers because I feel like I'm letting him down. His request not to go through all this junk is me not keep my promise because the Dr. keeps saying "a little more time". What I have learned is everyone wants a little more time. Me, well I want a lot more time but then I would not be fulfilling his wishes. I have done a lot of things in my life that I really did not want to do BUT this is the most difficult and most heart wrenching that I have to do. Thinking about it takes my breath away; thinking about living without him tears me up. So much fear of having to think about starting over without him, how our girls will deal with it and loneliness that I have never felt before. The next few days will be dealing with all of these feelings including the guilt that has overcome me. Guilt because things are not what we wanted, guilt for thinking I'm letting him down and guilt thinking "I should have known" and stepped in when things just were not like Mick.If we only had a looking glass into the future would things have been done differently or would we do things differently now.Just pray for peace for him. My fear is him being in pain and us making the best decision for him. How will we know that this is the right decision. I'm praying for a sign; unfort. I think I have been getting it but my heart doesn't want me to believe it.